I Haven't Slept in 4 Years

Did you know that brain cells make a tiny little scream when they die off from lack of sleep?  They do.  I've heard them.

You have to listen really carefully in the middle of the night, as you're trying to put a child back down to sleep for the millionth time that night.  I know, I've been there hundreds of times since having children.  

Before having kids, I would've never believed sleep would be such a mourned thing in parenthood. I mean, I saw my friend Heather go through it with her daughter.  She was delirious with lack of sleep that first year.  And I got plenty of warnings when I was pregnant with my first.  But I, like many, had assumed that the sleepless nights would be a proud badge I'd wear after a my children finally started sleeping like... well, babies... after a few months.

Well, it took my first 3 years to earn his mama that badge.  

Yep, 3 years.  

And by then,  I already had my daughter, so I wasn't able to enjoy him finally realizing that sleep is a freakin' wonderful thing.  I mean, geez, my 13 year old stepson loves to sleep to the point of me throwing his sleeping form irritated glares of jealousy when I pass his room on weekend mornings.  How do you go from fighting sleep like it's going to eat your brain alive to sleep-coma-central?  

With my oldest, I tried everything to get him to sleep well.  Swaddling. Five pacis in his crib, all placed around so he could accidentally find one to replace the one that always (ALWAYS!) fell out of his mouth..... I remember many nights half-hung off my bed, sleeping with my arm draped into the bassinet to pop a paci back into his mouth as quickly as possible as to not wake him too much. 

We tried cosleeping.  Sleeping on the floor of his room.  The supposed miracle blanket that cost $30 and did nothing but make me crazy from the amount of wrapping and tucking I had to do.  

We even tried crying-it-out, like so many had suggested, and I had scoffed at.  My child needs me and they wanted me to ignore him?   Well, being so tired you see stars made me throw my hat into that ring.  Nothing.  Bloody, bloody nothing.

Now it's my almost-2 year old's turn to wake her tired mama up several times a night.  She did start out good and sleep really well until 10 months.  But then teething hit. But this time around I'm not going to stress about it like I did with the first.  I will sleep eventually.  Like when I'm dead.  But it will come.

Sleep is one of my biggest parenting area where I feel guilt and shame.  I can't help but wonder if I did something to make 2 bad sleepers.  Was I not strict enough?  Did I coddle them too much.  Should I have let them cry it out more?  Is it because I nurse for so long and can't wean them and popping her back on is just much easier at 3am? 

They're damn lucky that they're cute.......

So, did you have nights of hearing your brain cells take a dirt-dive?  Or were you blessed (or worked hard) with good sleepers?